OK Addictions (Part B): Build Boundaries
This is the second in a four-part series on OK addictions. An OK addiction is something that adds vitality and zest to your life in the long run. The only real cost is the worthwhile effort to acquire a useful skill and to keep motivated. OK addictions include things like being
A Photography Freak
A Fitness Fanatic
Fixated on Friendships
A Darwin Devotee
A Tolkien Tripper
Addicted to Friendship.
OK addictions entail effort before pleasure, a long-term focus on contentment, being true to your values and goals, moving forward in life, and never making you feel too bad. OK addictions give to you and the people around you. Not-OK addictions slowly suck the life out of you and the people who care about you.
OK Addictions Build Boundaries
A boundary is like a fence, the line of a no-go zone. In a fun-focussed society, we often think that boundaries get in the way; that pushing boundaries bring pleasure. This is true, but only to a point. Sure, test your limits, have some fun, but also build boundaries for healthy long-term contentment. Say “No” when things aren’t fun any more: “no” to pleasing others when it hurts you, “no” to unwanted sex, “no” to dubious shopping specials, “no” to being scammed out of money, and “no” to riding with drivers that drive dangerously.
In not-OK addictions, you lose the ability to say “no.” You need another hit. The addiction controls you. With an OK addiction, you stay in control. You don’t need it, but you want it. It keeps giving fun (with effort) for the long-term. Here’s the test:
If you can do without your addiction for a month, chances are, you are in charge. You are in control. Well done.
People who are addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn or their cell-phone aren’t able to do without their addiction for a month. This is what we work on in therapy. As a psychiatrist, I sometimes use medications to control the painful cravings. But mainly, we work hard with values, life-goals, motivation and incentives to regain control over the brain’s hijacked desires.
With an OK addiction, like juggling or shooting baskets, you can leave it alone if you need to pass an exam, to get some extra work done, or to spend time with other people. You are able to do anything that is a priority in your life. In fact, juggling or shooting baskets help you relax after studying or working. An OK addiction helps, it never hinders, and it can’t wipe you out. (Unless your OK addiction is skiing and you break a leg.) After the intense study, you can get back to juggling to enjoy it again. You want it. You are in charge. This attitude – saying “no” to too much juggling or shooting baskets to do some study then getting back to it again – helps you build good boundaries for the rest of your life. It’s a skill. You are boss in your brain. This happens in all OK addictions.
People who can juggle well (or recover from a skiing mishap) tend to be more self-confident, assertive, proactive and solution-focussed than people who have addictions like alcohol dependence or gambling. They have better boundaries; they can say “no” to useless effort-wasting things in life to work on their OK addiction skills. They tend to be happier and more successful in life, as evidence in an upcoming post will show.
To build boundaries in your life, learn to say NO to things you don’t want. Say no in any way that suits you:
No.
No way in hell.
When hell freezes over.
I’ll take a rain-check.
Fat chance.
I’ll give it a miss.
Thanks, but no thanks.
Thanks for asking, but no.
Actually … no.
I’ll get back to you.
I can’t.
Not this time.
Better not.
Maybe not.
Probably not.
I’ll think about it. No.
And find your OK addiction and dedicate some time to it. Do this to be in control, be boss in your brain, be in control of your life. Choose an OK addiction like playing a sport or learning something worthwhile rather than ecstasy pill-popping. Say “no” to not-OK addictions.
An OK addiction is more pleasure, less pain. Enjoy life, long-term.