OK Addictions (Part D): Delay gratification
We’re onto the fourth and last post in a series on OK addictions. From posts one to four, we’ve gone through some features of OK addictions from A–B–C–D.
OK Addictions 1 looked at Accepting Accountability and responsibility.
OK Addictions 2 examined Building Boundaries.
OK Addictions 3 considered Connecting pleasure and purpose.
OK Addictions 4 will discuss Delaying gratification.
All OK addictions involve effort, pleasure, long-term contentment, values and goals, moving forward and they never make you feel bad.
Delaying Gratification
I want it and I want it now is instant gratification.
I want it but I’ll wait for it and work for it is delaying gratification.
The more an activity satisfies instant gratification, the more addictive it can be: drug dependence, compulsive shopping, compulsive sex, or pathological gambling. They bring pain. The more delayed gratification, the greater the long-term contentment: building a house, working on a relationship, learning a language, or playing ice-hockey. Overindulging in ice-hockey isn’t much of a problem; as a psychiatrist, I’ve never had to treat it.
Imagine an ice-hockey team winning their first major competition. After years of hard training, victories, losses, hopes, setbacks, they raise a well-earned trophy to an admiring crowd. First the effort, then the reward.
Imagine the pleasure of friends mountaineering in the Andes. After months of planning, working on fitness, and honing climbing skills, they’re on top of a snow-covered peak, overlooking a vast, beautiful world. Wow. First the effort, then the reward.
Imagine the collective pleasure of many people completing a very large project: hosting the Olympic Games, freeing a nation from corruption, achieving a safe neighbourhood, or beating a virus. These goals take years of effort and delay much gratification along the way. The realization of big dreams has flow-on effects for generations. Pleasure is too trivial a word for these achievements. First the big effort, then the big rewards. That’s delayed gratification. It leads to big pleasures.
Delay gratification. First the effort, then reap rewards.
If you’re like me, you’ll want some worthwhile long-term stuff and enjoy instant pleasures. Go for both. Here’s the trick:
Enjoy your short-term pleasures, but don’t let them get in the way of your long-term values or goals.
Don’t let screen use get in the way of passing exams. Don’t let drinking get in the way of holding down a job. Don’t let gambling get in the way of paying rent. Don’t let crystal meth get in the way of a good relationship. The bad road starts by going for instant gratification too much. We battle instant gratification every time we pass up a shopping bargain, refuse another drink, or do homework before watching another episode. Battle. It’s worth it.
Do I spend time and money on pleasure now or invest in the long-term? Both. Enjoy some pleasure now, but reap future rewards too. Yeah, but why should I delay gratification? Why can’t I just have fun, like one big long instant fun “now”?
This question was answered by researcher Walter Mischel. His famous experiment gave pre-school children a choice: Would you like to have one marshmallow now, or wait fifteen minutes and get two? Those who could wait to get two were delaying gratification. As adults, the researchers found, they were healthier and suffered less addictions than those who couldn’t delay gratification. Delaying gratification means more pleasure and less pain in the long run. It is a skill that can be learned, practiced and developed.
To succeed at anything, you need to delay gratification. It’s reward for effort; it connects pleasure with purpose. The gratification of graduating is delayed until after you pass exams. You receive money after you do work. You get admiration after you do well. You buy the new toy after you’ve earned money and saved up for it.
First the pain, then the gain. “Pain” is the effort of practicing a sport, studying, working on a relationship, or climbing a mountain, but it’s “pleasant pain”. The gain is being good at a skill, graduating, enjoying a good relationship and reaching the top. The outcome feels very good. Satisfying. Here are some ideas to do this more:
Earn, save, invest, and watch money grow.
Exercise and enjoy increased fitness.
Set a goal, put in a plan, carry it out, and reap rewards.
We live in a society persuading you to part with your cash now for the pleasure of instant gratification. You can have some of that, but keep on track for your bigger, long-term goals: sharing love, being useful, and expressing yourself. Enjoy some instant gratification along the way, just don’t get addicted to things that are not OK.
Delay gratification for pleasure now and for the future. Your whole life gets better. It’s worth it for you now, your future self, and for more pleasure all life-long. Find yourself an OK addiction, put in effort now, delay gratification and enjoy life to the max.