7 techniques to help when someone close has Borderline
As a psychiatrist specialising in trauma, I know that many people close to someone with borderline walk on eggshells, afraid to get it wrong. They often end up anxious, helpless and frustrated. If you’re one of them, these seven techniques can help.
1. Separate the PERSON from the BORDERLINE
They have a disorder. They dislike it as much as you do. Diabetes or a fracture are separate from a person; the same with borderline. Team up with the person against the borderline. That means knowing when it’s the person speaking and when that’s the borderline speaking. Label it. Whenever you feel manipulated, victimised or controlled, say so, and ask was that you or the borderline? What can we do to battle the borderline? The aim is to love the person, but not the borderline behaviour.
2. ASK how can I help?
Ideally, they will be learning about BPD in therapy. (Encourage them to be in therapy.) You can help them battle borderline. Ask how. What are you working on now? How’s therapy going? How can I help? Then you become a caring, understanding allay.
3. LEAVE them responsibility
This is tough. It’s natural to take responsibility for people we love, particularly when they’re in distress. We want to help and show we care. With BPD, leave the person as much responsibility as they can handle: making appointments, controlling anger, and more. You can give them a break occasionally, and take responsibility to help them when they need somebody to lean on. Aim to give responsibility back.
4. ASK (often) how do you think that makes me feel?
Borderline messes with a person’s view of themselves and the world. In trying to get needs met, a person with BPD sometimes overlooks other peoples’ needs. Asking how do you think that makes me feel? encourages them to see things from another point of view. Yours. This is called “mentalization.” It’s a key technique to their growing wellness.
5. BINDS: resist them
Binds make you feel trapped. Binds mean you need to say or do things for them that don’t feel right: lying, placating, relinquishing rights, turning against others, making false promises (like promising not to leave, or taking their many phone calls). Binds have you doing way beyond what is reasonable, otherwise they may harm themselves. You don’t want that! That’s the bind.
Ideally, love is freely given and freely received. You can’t be forced to love. If you feel forced into something, anything, you may be in a bind.
Talk to the person whenever you feel this. Openly. You are onside with the person but not with the borderline. Borderline wants binds, the person wants true love, just like the rest of us. Talk together to find the steps out of binds. This builds trust and helps them feel supported in battling borderline.
6. LIMITS: know yours
There will be times when borderline acts up: getting drunk, cutting up, having a big anger outburst, whatever. After things have settled (a day or two) it’s time to talk and agree upon some limits; boundaries. In any relationship, know your limits: what the deal-breakers are, what you can’t handle, what your needs are. Stand up for yourself, express your needs. Agree on limits together: how many phone calls or texts or how far you will go. Don’t be punishing if they fail. Regroup. What went wrong? Want have we both learned? New plan. Aim to do only what a reasonable parent, sister, friend, partner, or therapist would do. You have wants and needs too.
7. ENCOURAGE
Having borderline is tough. The person needs encouragement to …
Remember that they are separate from borderline. (They forget and get angry.)
See that the helpful people around them are precious. (They may get angry with you, friends, therapists, and emergency staff.)
Stick with the therapy plan. (Therapy is hard; they often feel it doesn’t help.)
Keep reaching for life to feel better. (It’s frustrating when it feels bad.)
To remember these seven techniques, be a “PAL who is ABLE”
1. Person (separate them from borderline)
2. Ask how can I help?
3. Leave them responsibility4. Ask how do you think that makes me feel?
5. Binds: resist them
6. Limits: know yours
7. Encourage
For more on how to help someone with with borderline, check out our videos and podcast on this topic: