Forgiving a Friend
Has someone close to you ever done something hurtful? Something you just couldn’t get over? Sometimes friends prove not to be friends, but users and stealers; most of the time, however, friends can be hurtful just by being themselves, by saying the wrong thing, by doing something silly, by being thoughtless, or just by being a human being.
As far as you can, be forgiving. In our world a lot is going wrong; we do the wrong thing; we need forgiveness because no-one is perfect. Being forgiving is part of being understanding and accepting. We all stuff things up, and the more you can place in the “forgivable” basket, the better. It also helps to be able to apologize when you do something wrong or when your impact on a friend is not what you intended. Too many friendships are lost through pride and stubbornness (which are words that mean un-forgiveness). Maybe this is what my friend meant when he told me just say the wrong thing and you can lose a friend.
This is post 6 in a series of 8 posts to help you accept others, and make and keep friends. It’s based on the acronym “ACCEPT”:
1. Appreciate others’ strengths; Accept their weaknesses
2. Common ground: find it
3. Centre in on them by listening
4. Empathize: walk in their shoes
5. Pardon and apologize
6. Talk gently, but do talk
“Them” is anyone you have as a friend, want as a friend or meet as a person.
ACCEPT: Pardon and apologize
Pardoning is easier than forgiving. Let me explain.
Excusing is done by teachers, parents and bosses; forgiving is done by love-partners and victims, pardoning is done by judges, presidents and monarchs. To pardon, you become judge and monarch in your mind, hold court, sift through evidence, deliver a verdict, and pass sentence. You may show mercy or leniency. Your aim, however, is usually to restore your friendship, and to understand and accept.
If you receive an apology or not, you can always pardon, depending on what kind of judge you are.
Are you a harsh or a lenient judge?
Is your sentence harsher or more lenient than that of an actual judge?
What kind of a judge do you want to be?
What standard are you using: the law, your own, religious or other?
Some kings, queens, judges and presidents can pardon. Can you?
Is the friendship worth it?
To hold court in your mind, you become judge, jury, prosecuting attorney, defending attorney, plaintiff and accused. To help you empathize and pardon imagine yourself in each other roles, go over the accepted facts of the matter, go over what is contentious. Then ask yourself: can I show mercy?
According to Shakespeare’s character Portia, from “The Merchant of Venice”,
No-one is forced to show mercy, it is as natural as rain. It benefits the person giving it and the person receiving it. It’s an immense force when used by immense people. It is the hallmark of powerful monarchs. A sceptre symbolizes earthy power, but mercy is higher, particularly when coupled with justice.
If you choose not to show mercy, you lose a friendship in a world where friends are hard to come by. You may even torture yourself with a bitter pill of resentment or put yourself on a rack of hoped-for-vengeance, or water-board yourself with a stream of imaginary conversations laced with anger and hate.
I put it to you that forgiving or pardoning someone is almost always worth it.
Practical ways to pardon and forgive
There are seven steps to reach forgiveness and restore the friendship.[i]
1. Decide to forgive. Without a conscious decision, it won’t happen.
2. Accept what’s happened. Look at it, say yep, that’s what happened.
3. Understand why your friend may have done that. Was it their personality, their culture, wants, needs, or insecurities?
4. Pardon as a judge pardons: go through the evidence, hold court in your mind and use mercy if you can.
5. Give something away, because forgiving does involve a sacrifice.
6: Let go. Let go of hurt and anger like letting go of a deep breath.
7. Overlook. If you climb a mountain you will get an overview of life; big things seem small, big hurts may not mean that much in the grand scheme of life. We are all human beings trying to get through life. From this perspective, forgiveness gets easier as you overlook.
Pardoning and forgiveness are not easy. That’s why I wrote a book about it. In the end, however, we don’t have too much of a choice as we are all vulnerable to stuffing up in life, and we all need forgiveness somewhere. And we need to keep our friends as much as we possibly can.
I beg your pardon.
Cheers
Dr Christian Heim
[i] Heim, Christian. Seven Steps to Forgiveness. Vivid Publishing. Ed 2. 2021
Pardoning and forgiveness are not easy. That’s why I wrote a book about it. In the end, however, we don’t have too much of a choice as we are all vulnerable to stuffing up in life, and we all need forgiveness somewhere. And we need to keep our friends as much as we possibly can.
I beg your pardon.
Cheers
Dr Christian Heim
[i] Heim, Christian. Seven Steps to Forgiveness. Vivid Publishing. Ed 2. 2021