How do I show empathy to a friend?
To empathize is perhaps the most important step in acceptance of another person. We are wired to empathize with others, feel other’s pain, and to respond to them however we decide. With empathy, we grow close to another person. Empathy makes for deeper friendships.
Our brains are designed to empathize, to feel with another person. Our anterior cingulate gyrus is the place where all the empathy happens; it’s where we notice other’s feelings through their words and actions, we interpret their inner world and it gets replicated in our brain. We actually feel what they feel thanks to the effect of our mirror neurons. Without this capacity, we couldn’t love, feel for, be kind to or relate to others at all. The anterior cingulate gyrus is in the brain’s limbic system, the area of our emotions. It’s connected with the amygdala which lets us empathize by feeling the pain someone else is going through, the prefrontal cortex where we think about what we’re feeling, the orbito-frontal cortex where we decide how to respond and the Insula where we monitor how we come across to others.
When we make a friend, we experience and understand what getting close to someone means and feels like: we care more for them and know more about them. We identify with them and see some of ourselves in them. That’s empathy. That’s “walking in their shoes” just a little more to imagine what life is like for them.
ACCEPT: Empathize with them
We show our empathy through our words, our actions and our intentions.
EMPATHY THROUGH WORDS. They will feel your empathy if your words are agreeable: say yes, stay positive, and be interested in their words. If your words “match” their words in tone, volume and style, they will feel your empathy; they will natural try to match yours. This is finding common ground in how you express yourselves; it is being agreeable. As the friendship progresses, however, balance this by being genuine disagreeable, otherwise you become fake and you don’t build a real friendship, you start to walk on egg-shells and try to be careful to be agreeable. Being genuinely disagreeable involves gently expressing areas of disagreement after you have built up trust. This will build up more trust, mutual respect and mutual admiration providing you can be gentle in your disagreement.
ACTIONS. Actions are nothing more than loud, honest words. It’s true: Actions speak louder than words. Friends “feel” each other out to know how often to get together, how much to intrude on each other, and how much to keep in reserve. Your actions will communicate your empathy, understanding and acceptance (or not). Actions need to be safe and agreeable to make a friend and to keep a friend. Again, as the friendship progresses, don’t just be agreeable by doing what they want all the time. Gently be balanced: be disagreeable, be yourself, be real. They need to adjust to you as much as you adjust to them; keep the power balance equal. Good friends are equals, so don’t try to impress, outdo, or lord it over a friend.
Your actions will show if you’re a genuine friend or someone who is out to steal their partner or make money. Actions of “good friendship” show mutual respect and helping each other out, and being trusting and trustworthy.
INTENTIONS. Science shows that we read each others’ intentions much more than we realize. Whenever you talk, two “social brains” are communicating thoughts, feelings and intentions through tone of voice and subtle behaviours. Sure, we can all lie, but others can often sense that too. Examine your intentions: do I want us to become good friends? What obstacles are there be to our friendship? Be honest with yourself, give yourself permission to be a friend or not; you don’t have to be everyone’s close friend.
The aim is to line up your words, actions and intentions to transmit genuine feelings of friendship. Then the growing-as-friends process happens: building trust, equal disclosure, being safe, loyal, and by mutual respect and admiration. This takes patience, forgiveness and understanding.
Listening revisited
Last post I talked about listening to make a friend and keep a friend. To empathize even more, listen more. Listening in the way described last post opens your anterior cingulate gyrus up to a friend even more: to hear what they experience, to feel what they experience, to experience what they experience. It’s all empathy. Spending time to listen will make you a better listener, make you empathize more, and make you a better friend to others.
Happy listening, happy empathizing
Cheers
Dr Christian Heim
Ever get empathy and compassion confused? Here is the difference: