5 Ways to use Self-compassion
OK. So you’re into self-love. You want to practice self-compassion. You want to care for be kind to and understand and accept yourself as you would for others. And you want to do this without getting into too much selfishness or narcissism. How do you do it? Here are Five Great Ways.
1. Know what you like in yourself
2. Caringly guide yourself
3. Be gentle with yourself
4. Encourage yourself to be useful
5. Share love with other people
Surprised? Confused? Why didn’t I say make yourself a good cup of coffee, treat yourself to a holiday, buy yourself a new outfit or get into skydiving?
Sure. You can get into those things, but to really love yourself with self-compassion, we have to go deeper than mere passing pleasures. You have to become to yourself a trusted friend, trusted mentor, trusted confidante, and trusted ally.
Did I say “trusted”? It’s not about the pleasures, it’s about lovingly being on your side and wanting the best for yourself, just like a trusted friend. Let’s go through the Five Great Ways to practice self-compassion.
1. Know what you like in yourself
This is not as easy as it sounds. To do this, you need to know yourself, understand yourself, and accept yourself as well. There are many things you like about yourself and many things you don’t. With self-compassion, we grow to understand and accept these, and grow to appreciate them and even celebrate them. Too often we want to do or be something or someone we’re not. We get influenced by internet images and ideals. But what are your strengths and your limitations? Can you understand and accept these? Can you really appreciate your qualities – your kindness, sense of humor, quirkiness or quietness – without wishing you had other qualities?
Make a list of things you like about yourself. Appreciate them as you would the good qualities in a friend. Make a list of your limitations and weaknesses. Can you understand and accept them as you would accept them in a good friend?
2. Caringly guide yourself
Self-Compassion means caringly guiding yourself to good outcomes; like a life-coach or a trusted friend with good advice for decisions or for when you drink too much. Talk important decisions through with yourself, as you would with a parent or friend. What would you tell a friend? What would a trusted friend tell you?
Make a list of where you need help in life. Can you caringly be a help to yourself? Can you encourage yourself to get help and guidance from others when you need it? It shows self-compassion if you can.
3. Be gentle with yourself
I screwed up again! Sometimes your good friends will leave you, but you, in self-compassion you will be the trusted friend who stays. You give yourself a break. You be gentle with yourself. You don’t be so hard on yourself. This is when your self-compassion will offer yourself a good cup of coffee, a small time out, or a good cry in your bedroom. After the crying and the coffee, however, be the trusted friend who says so you’re only human, huh? It’s OK. I’m here and I’m staying, we’ll get through this together. Just like the rest of us, you’re only human, and prone to mistakes.
Stand by yourself when you screw up. Then, when you’re ready, gently dust yourself off, pick yourself up and go back to 2: Caringly guide yourself, still being that compassionate friend to yourself. That’s self-compassion.
4. Encourage yourself to be useful
This seems to be a strange request, but let me explain. Part of self-compassion is developing self-respect. It’s hard to love yourself if you don’t even respect yourself. Many of us have little respect for ourselves, and I work a lot with many people in this situation. The way to build self-respect and be self-compassionate is to gently encourage yourself to do whatever you need to do: come on, get up, time for school; time to get to work; you’ll feel good after you clean the house; hey, the baby needs feeding! This is the un-glamourous side of self-compassion, but by carrying out our life duties, whatever life calls on us to do, we gain self-respect and grow in self-compassionate love.
What is life calling on you to do? Do it to the best of your capabilities with encouragement from your trusted self-compassion to grow in self-respect and self-love.
5. Share love with other people
Whoa! That’s really strange! I thought we were talking about loving ourselves? We are. This is the real clincher. We grow in our ability to love ourselves through loving others. We grow to understand self-compassion through being compassionate towards others. You want more love, right? That means you want to share more love with others, which will happen when you love them; they love you back and you experience how lovable you are. You easily love yourself more when you see how loving you can be; even if you get it wrong, when you try to give love to others, you get to love your good intentions. It will also bring you more friends and that’s a real treat for you.
With whom can you share love? With parents and children you can share belonging love (storge). With trusted friends or new friends you can share friendship love (philia). With a love partner you can share romantic love (eros). And with strangers you can share hospitality love (xenia). I discuss these Love Types in my book The Seven Love Types: navigating love in a fractured world. There I go into the love thing in more depth; you can also search the internet for much more information on love. (Make sure it’s a trusted source.)
Self-compassion is your best pathway to real, authentic self-love. But it takes effort and perseverance. It’s a worthwhile journey through
1. Knowing what you like in yourself (and accepting what you don’t)
2. Caringly guiding yourself (to help make good decisions)
3. Being gentle with yourself (when you get it wrong)
4. Encourage yourself to be useful (to gain self-respect)
5. Share love with other people.
Love wants only to love and be loved in return.