What if someone hurts you? Morning Mental Fitness (8)
But what if people hurt you? Yes. People can hurt.
When I first presented this Morning Mental Fitness Program, somebody asked what about my amygdala? The Amygdala generates our pain. A healthy Amygdala doesn’t get in the way of life, but most of us have an Amygdala that’s experienced some pain, so it does get in the way of seeing our relationships as our greatest assets.
This final post is for people who need to calm down their Amygdala fears and anxieties, to allow them to have the courage and vulnerability to make their relationships their greatest assets; to trust people again.
You will know that you are one of these people when, in closing your eyes and clearing your mind for morning meditation, what comes to you is painful memories and incessant, resentful internal conversations.
Anatomy: The Amygdala
The Amygdala are two almond-shaped centers, one in each of the left and right Temporal Lobes of the brain. They are part of the Limbic System (pain is emotional) and they are associated with many fundamental emotions and motivations: fear, anxiety, pain, aggression, anger and sexual behavior. In psychiatry, the theory is that a hyper-active Amygdala mediates the emotional states of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s as if the Amygdala is trying to keep you alive by reminding you of past danger and pain, and by keeping you hyper-alert. It is.
Emotional hurts and personal pain, carried in the Amygdala, can get in the way of appreciating other people and seeing them as your greatest assets. Who wants an asset that can hurt you?
Calming the Amygdala’s hurt
Mindfulness meditation helps regulate your emotions. Simply doing it helps the amygdala to let go of hurt; to calm down. But there is more we can do. Here, we’ll consider three characteristics of hurt
Hurt is triggered
We emotionally react to hurt
We hang on to hurt
The Amygdala is trying to keep you alive by looking out for triggers that may hurt you. The Amygdala leads you to emotionally react to the hurt in an exaggerated manner. The Amygdala remembers the hurt to save you from it in the future so, in a sense, it keeps you “hanging on” to the emotion.
These characteristics lead us to three useful questions which we can use in a morning meditation to let go of hurt.
What triggers my hurt?
Can I respond rather than react?
Can I let go of hurt?
TRIGGERS. A trigger is anything that “sets you off” or “touches a raw nerve.” It may be something someone says or does or an attitude they carry. It may be reminders of trauma like a car back-firing, a color, a smell, a name, anything that reminders you of trauma that hits you unexpectedly. If you can be aware of your triggers and know them, you can be ready for them, and you can tell your Amygdala that it doesn’t need to be on the lookout. Write them down. Forearmed is forewarned.
RESPOND RATHER THAN REACT. A reaction is something that happens automatically in you: fear, a scream, lashing out. It is initiated by a trigger and an emotion. A response is considered. It is initiated by a trigger and an emotion, but a thought and a decision checks the emotion. Breathing in and out give you time to consider your response. Counting to ten gives you time to consider your response. Say and do nothing; wait; then “go” when you know you are responding rather than reacting.
LET GO OF HURT. How long do you want to hang onto hurt: days, weeks, months, years? Resentment is drinking poison hoping someone else will die. Let it go. What if you held on to your fecal matter for days? How good would you feel? Let it go. What if you didn’t urinate for days? Let it go. It feels good to let go. Both of these carry body toxic wastes; strong negative emotions too are toxic wastes; let them go.
To let go, you may need to learn to forgive. You may need to learn to process strong emotions. You may need to work through things in psychotherapy with a professional. You may need to grow in wisdom. It depends on the severity of your hurt and your mental health. The aim is good mental health.
The practice
Have separate sessions of mindfulness mediation to calm your Amygdala.
With one question per breath, in turn ask what are my triggers? How can I respond? Can I let go? Focus on letting go. You physically let go of stale air with each out-breath, you can let go of your stale emotions with every out-breath of stale air.
Let it go.
Do this for five minutes or more. Your Amygdala will calm down and you will feel freer.
Thank your Amygdala for keeping you alive. Remind it that by knowing your triggers, choosing to respond, and letting go through forgiveness, processing emotions or psychotherapy, your Amygdala can remain calm.
Letting go of your Amygdala’s hurt paves the way for being vulnerable enough to see people as your greatest assets. Then, to set up your day, you can calmly get back to the Morning Mental Fitness Program for five minutes, ten, fifteen or more.