Seven Love Types (Part 7) LOVE #6: Agape (Giving-love)
Agape is one of Seven Love Types:
Epithumia, liking-love,
Xenia, hospitality-love,
Storge, belonging-love,
Philia, friendship-love,
Eros, romantic-love,
Agape, giving-love, and
Mentor. guiding-love.
Agape giving-love, in Ancient Greece, is unconditional, selfless and divine. Giving and caring about others above self forms part of many religious and spiritual systems. It is an ideal to strive for, but we see healthy glimpses of it all around us. We humans do it all the time, we take care of each other and give to each other altruistically, just, well, just because we are in this thing called “life” together. We care. Agape can be shared with friends in need, enemies (think tending to wounds of enemy soldiers) and with animals, plants and the environment. All of life needs our reverent, tender agape giving care.
Agape is unconditional where other love types are conditional. Each of the other Love Types, however, can grow agape-like qualities: eros couples going the extra mile in times of sickness or in sharing their love with children, friends becoming more caring towards each other, charity work extends xenia towards agape, epithumia liking-loves, music-making or a theatre skill for example, can be used to altruistically bring hope to people in palliative or prison situations. This is agape, sharing with others simply because they are alive and deserve love and just a little reverence.
Reverence for life
Dr Albert and Helene Schweitzer shared agape love. They travelled to Africa to set up a hospital. Albert was the surgeon, Helene was the anesthetist and together they treated everything from strangulated hernias to tropical diseases. Their work inspired the world. Schweitzer wrote “Reverence for Life” to explain the ethical underpinning for their work. For this Albert won the 1952 Nobel Peace Prize. In my paraphrase, this is basically how he saw things:
All living creatures, people and animals included, want to be alive, just as I do. If I want my life to be respected, I need to respect theirs.
Life is good, taking it away is not.
We have goodness in us. Collectively we search for kindness, peace and goodwill even if we often disagree on how to get there. Agape love, altruism, is part of our efforts to find lasting peace and security as we go through this crazy life together. Agape is treating each other kindly.
It’s OK to be you and it’s OK to be me
You have as much of a right to be here as I do.
The greatest end of humankind, according to Schweitzer, is service. In the light of his essay “Reverence for Life,” we can more fully understand some of his best-known quotes:
To be really happy, find out how to serve others.
Kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness melts misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility.
To find peace, extend compassion to include all living things.
The purpose of life is to serve, show compassion, and help.
During Covid-19, many health care workers (in particular) have displayed great acts of courage and agape love. They go above and beyond. There have been nurses, paramedics and doctors who have given their lives in their service to others. May we remember their agape service and their sacrifices. Two personal friends of mine, as well as keeping up their regular work duties in NYC, collected money and fed hungry health care workers who were working so much overtime and seeing so much grief. Why? Agape love, no other reason.
How do we mix up agape with other loves?
People receiving agape giving-love can sometimes think that there was an ulterior manipulative motive behind a given kindness. This can cause confusion. But, unfortunately, sometimes there is.
People can seem generously altruistic – giving a large sum of money, time or resources – but there are strings attached; it is conditional with an expectation of a return: you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. This is not agape giving, it is networking and giving for self gain.
Expressing agape
Unconditional positive regard and reverence for life are powerful agape giving-love ideals to strive for. Studies show that selfless giving to others, expressing agape, can actually make you happier.
In my area of expertise, psychiatry, Carl Rogers’s idea of “unconditional positive regard” expresses agape. His ideas have influenced my clinical approach more than any other theorist: striving to unconditionally accept someone as they are, where they are, no matter how difficult. At times I’ve succeeded, other times I’ve failed.
To express more agape in your life, you do not have to start hospitals in Africa, bind up wounds in Syria, start businesses in Bangladesh, or volunteer to help with Covid tracing, but simply show kindness somewhere: greet strangers, be polite, offer assistance, clean a park, or join a club to knit blankets for baby rhinos. It all helps, it’s all agape.
If nothing else, aim to be grateful for the good that happens to you and try not to hurt anyone else. This may sound a little glib but this too is agape and helps to make the world a better place.
Love to you.