What is a real friend?

For years I treated Darren for schizophrenia. Often he would see me with his friend, Rowen. People think we’re gay because we spend so much time together. But Rowen’s wife will tell you we’re not. I met Rowen while serving in Afghanistan. I trust him more than anyone. Their shared experiences brought them close as friends, and they have shared interests: warcraft, fitness, psychological thrillers and women.

Rowen sees the devastation when Darren gets unwell and becomes psychotic. As a friend, he makes sure Darren gets treatment. If Rowen says I need treatment, I know it’s true. When Darren is well, they go to the gym, discuss movies, books, and have dinners together. Rowen’s wife passes her opinion on the women Darren dates. They are close Philia friends; it is a deep form of plutonic love.

A real friend always wants the best for you.

This is the final post in a series of 8 to help you accept others, and make and keep friends. We’ve been working through the acronym “ACCEPT”:

1. Appreciate others’ strengths; Accept their weaknesses
2. Common ground: find it
3. Centre in on them by listening
4. Empathize: walk in their shoes
5. Pardon and apologize
6. Talk gently, but do talk

“Them” is anyone you have as a friend, want as a friend or meet as a person.

Here, having made our way through to ACCEPT a person, we look at more of what a friendship really is.

Friendship is Philia Love

Philia, in the Ancient Greek, is the chosen love of friendship. It can develop into a very close, caring attachment if we’re able to take care of it. “Phil” comes from the Ancient Greek word for affection: Philadelphia means “brotherly (adelphos) affection (phil),” philosophy is “affection for wisdom,” hydrophilic means “having an affection for water,” being a Francophile means “having an affection for French things.” The affection in a friendship can be shared intellect, feelings, interests or values, depending on the level of the friendship.

There was something of a philia friendship between the late anti-theist Christopher Hitchens and evangelical preacher Reverend Douglas Wilson. In 2008 they toured the USA to debate the topic Was Christianity of any Use to Humankind? On-stage debates were fierce, but off-stage they respected each other’s intellect and debating skills, and they shared common interests. Philia friendships can transcend strong ideological differences.

A real friend always wants the best for you.

Intense rivals can often have strong friendships: soccer players, car-racing drivers, athletes, and politicians on opposite sides of the democracy divide. Tennis rivals Roger Federer and Raphael Nadal are good friends. As Federer explains:

We’re good friends off the court, because we have shared special moments … [and] charity games for his foundation and matches for my foundation.[i]

The basis of their friendship is shared experiences, mutual respect, common ground, mutual benefit, trust, common personalities traits, and of course being elite tennis players. We’re impressed when rivals are good friends because friendship can easily be destroyed by rivalry, intrigues and the senseless one-upmanship of social dominance hierarchy games that are unfortunately played out too often among people.

A real friend always wants the best for you.

Not all “friendships” are good friendships. Many involve networking, social climbing, mutual ego-stroking, or just plain circumstance. If you can take these away, what is left, may be genuine friendship.

One thing that really gets in the way of a good friendship is rivalry: I’ll earn more money than you, I’m more successful, I’ll steal your boyfriend, and so forth. Rivalry and power dynamics spoil any relationship. Natural rivals can be healthy friends like Raphael Nadal and Roger Federer or bitter enemies like Al Capone and Bugs Moran, but which pair do you think will enjoy their retirement more? When we choose co-operation over destruction, we can continue competition in sport and productivity, yet keep genuine friendship going.

If you want good friendships, keep in mind that we are of equal value and that cooperation will help us thrive, and that a real friend always wants the best for you.

To get more philia friendship in your life, choose to be vulnerable and trusting: disclose more, listen more, understand and ACCEPT:

 

1. Appreciate their’ strengths; Accept their weaknesses
2. Common ground: find it
3. Centre in on them by listening
4. Empathize: walk in their shoes
5. Pardon and apologize
6. Talk gently, but do talk

Cheers

Dr Christian Heim

Have a listen to my wife Dr Caroline Heim and I talk about how to be a good friend to others and what’s going on inside the brain in good friendships in our YT clip below:

 
 
Love and FriendshipChristian Heim