Seven Love Types (Part 9): Postlude and insights
To remember The Seven Loves, remember they are all EXAMPLES of Love. EXAMPLES is an acronym to capture them:
Epithumia, liking-love
Xenia, hospitality-love
Agape, giving-love
Mentoring, guiding-love
Philia, friendship-love
Love (as they all are)
Eros, romantic-love, and
Storge, belonging-love.
Insights
Each of the Seven Love Types involve caring, sharing and kindness, and each has a characteristic strength, direction and quality. How that we are more familiar with the Seven Love Types, I wish to consider important insights.
1. Each close relationship has its own blend of different love types. If you’re part of a large family, for example, you may share storge belong-love with all siblings, but share more philia friendship-love and shared epithumia interests with one. Rather than I love Fran more than my other sisters, it could be that I share storge with all my sisters, but I share more friendship and common interests with Fran.
2. It’s natural to get on with one child more, but this can cause complications. Dale is my favorite leads to jealousy and guilt. But better and more accurate is I storge-love all my children, but Dale’s path is similar to mine, so I’m something of a mentor to him. Or Dale and I happen to share more in common. any time, you can find more epithumia liking-loves with a another child, you can grow in xenia respect for them as they become separate adults or grow in equal philia friendship. Storge belonging-love will always remain.
3. Each long-term love-partnership has its unique blend of the Seven Loves. Some are based strongly on eros, others more on friendship, still others more on shared epithumia liking-loves. All grow in storge belonging-love and, ideally, in agape giving-love. Others may be based on less noble ideals: convenience, climbing social ladders, or for diplomacy (royals bringing peace to rival nations).
4. “Friends with benefits” arrangements become complicated when eros love feelings develop. Being aware of this makes complexities easier to navigate.
5. The aim of any encounter with a stranger is for it to be safe and pleasant. This takes xenia hospitality and respect. Aim to impart a sense of storge belonging as we are all part of the human race. Look for common ground quickly, talking about the weather is great to make a connection.
6. Have the vocabulary of the Seven Love Types to be clear on what your head wants and what your heart wants.
If you want friendship, let people know; your signals will not be misinterpreted.
If you want eros romance or not, be clear about this in your head and heart before you go out for the evening and become involved in another’s emotions.
If you feel a strong storge and philia connection with, say, a cousin, that’s OK, it doesn’t mean that it’s sexual. Any philia attraction doesn’t need to become sexual.
A deep mentor/mentee relationship can be caring without being a friendship or anything sexual. You may be fond of a mentor without it being erotic.
A friendship may become “something more” or it may not. Negotiate misunderstanding with words like philia, epithumia, eros and mentor, or friendhip, things in common. romance and guiding-love.
Know yourself and how you can get the loves mixed up. Know your intentions and your behaviors so there is less mismatch between what you really want and the signals you may give others.
If you feel threatened by strangers and their customs, use xenia hospitality and agape altruism.
If you feel your parents or older siblings don’t understand or accept you as an independent adult, discuss the need for more xenia respect or equal philia friendship.
If your long-term eros romance doesn’t feel right, it may not be because love has died or there’s not enough romance anymore it may be because you need to nurture storge belonging, shared epithumia likes, xenia respect, selfless agape, or mutual mentoring.
7. The enriched vocabulary of the Seven Love Types will help demystify some of what is going on in our human interactions. Any relationship can be examined in the light of the Seven Loves. When we see that love is not sex, that loving a thing is not the same as loving a person, that loving a friend isn’t sexual, that storge belonging-love naturally grows in any relationship, that we can extend love to strangers without needing to know them well or agree with their values or customs, that serving high ideals is a form of agape love, and that mentorship is a form of guiding love, we can avoid misunderstandings and hurt and get on better with people. (At least, that’s the idea.)
Love to you.